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Wading in the shallows…

We all partake with small talk.  That wading in the shallows to meet and greet and be sweet with acquaintances, neighbours and by-passers.  Then there is family.  The ones with whom we go deep.  The ones with whom we share our deepest thoughts, concerns and grandest joys.  The ones who we draw a tight circle around in order to at times protect them or to receive promises from them.

At times, I have been the recipient of the most compelling inspiration from a stranger on the street.  This person is rarely even remotely aware of my present circumstances yet they speak a truth to my heart that I can not deny.  They say something with a depth that makes my head reel, my heart skip a beat and my mind race.  Perhaps coincidence and only happenstance or maybe there is a real divine intervention taking place.  The universe convicting me.

Familiarity is the space of comfort we often find a certain amount of peace and genuine rest.  Things are easy when kept simple and clear and clean cut.  Yet, in times of turmoil remaining calm may require that we go deep.  It is a turning of the soil as though to prepare the ground to receive a new planting.  We are the masters of our garden and we can and do reap the sow we seed.  So, to what depths are we willing to go to ensure proper growth of a sustainable enjoyable life?

Inevitably life evolves around us with or without our awareness.  Awareness has it’s own price to pay as it does involve our active participation, or in the least our honest observation.  The most elementary of anthropologists will tell you that objectivity is a fragile thing and that our mere presence has an impact on outcome.  We can deny our entanglement and reject this reality, while we incriminate others.  That has effect, which causes affect, which in tern takes effect, to cause more affect…etc.

Let me give you a living example.  A 27 year old daughter talking non stop about a 49 year old man she has recently met may indeed be an indication of attraction, genuine full blown desire or mere infatuation.  Our parental influence will indeed have an impact on the course of action of this new friendship.  We are not in anyway beyond culpability one way or another.  So…

Do we wade in the shallows or get in real deep?  Do we back off and let this evolve to it’s natural course and have nothing to say about our daughter’s direction?  Do we kibosh the whole relationship or suggest that friendship without intimacy is the only option?  You may be asking why we think we even have a say.  Our daughter at 27 is developmentally handicapped and lives at home with us, requiring pretty much 24 hour care.  This gentleman is someone she met at activities for the disabled, yet he lives semi- independently at his own home where she wants to go visit him.

Yeah… problematic to say the least.  My darling husband continuously makes the mistake of asking “what do you want, wife?” and I finally clearly answered “I want a non disabled daughter to make these decisions for herself and not have to be involved.  Can you make that happen?”  Like what I want should even remotely be the focus.  I did say darling husband, it’s just a redirect or a proposition that we should even remotely consider our wants above our daughters when it comes to her life.  Like that is even remotely appropriate.  Yeah… shallows.

In a way I envy people who can live in the shallows and not go too deep.  These are the kinds of questions we pose in our life on a daily basis.  Given the size and structure of our family, we contend with these realities of love and war on an ongoing basis and we do not take our influence lightly.  We’ve seen how a simple shift in perception and delivery of care can majorly alter the status quo for the better.  We don’t want to miss out on life opportunities or deny our family members their largest dreams and desires which swim deep.

 

 

 

 

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She will bring him favor…

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

Have you struggled as a wife to make it clear to your husband that it is ALWAYS your intent to bring him favor?  Do your genuine efforts at times fall on a resentful response of his loosing control of his own autonomy?  Is it frustrating that at times all effort to be ‘of help’ appears controlling, dismissing or diminishing to your spouse?  We women are NOT created equal, we are NOT of the same spiritual dimension, there is something clearly NOT the same as man.  I would say “AMEN!” here but in no way desire to apply a religious tone to this UNIVERSAL reality.

‘She will bring him favor’ is indeed the hope of every husband who espouses to be married, whether for life or simply this next short while.  All men desire ‘favor’, yet what he sees as ‘favor’ may indeed, or rather in deed ;), be of less favor to his health, well being and betterment.  Like ‘bring me a beer dear I am watching the game!’  If his decision to enjoy a good game on TV is his desire, how could that not be for his betterment?

If such a pass time is used as a ‘break’ from all responsibility to rejuvenate, then great!  If it is used as a way to avoid other pressing issues, as a value above something else, like a crutch, diversion to ignore, perhaps not so great.  Not for the wife who has to pick up where he stepped out, anyway.  If the agreement is “watch the kids while I watch the game and then I’ll take over and run you a hot bath with wine and chocolate while you get to relax for the same amount of time” then perhaps that is a commitment that is mutual and respectful of supporting each other through the demands of parenting.

To bring our spouse favor may in deed, mean to ensure they spend the time necessary to develop and maintain healthy wholesome relationships with their offspring.  Perhaps bringing them favor means creating a time where we as mother’s are simply not there and they get to manage whatever circumstances that arise without our judgment of how they handle it.  Often children do not see their parents as either good or bad, right or wrong, and even toddlers will adjust to the parent whose with them at this time even if it is very different from the one who is absent at this time.

To bring my husband favor for me, means respect.  That respect suggests without debate that his view, his ideas, his opinions and his take on any situation holds water and deserves in the least consideration if not full recognition and perhaps even acceptance to the point of my submission.  I forfeit my reality so easily now that the kids are for the most part grown and gone. I find myself less likely to interfere with his way of doing things, especially where the grandson is involved, because I’ve gained the experience of valuing relationship.  Theirs need not be like ours in order to be valid or worthy, it just is.

Just as our marriage is unlike any other, it is not less worthy or valuable than others.  I once had very righteous religious people trying to tempt me denying the favor we already had placed on our union, by telling me to pray for my atheist husband to make him ‘come to Christ’ as though his standing already was not relevant enough.  The following scripture got me back on track.  “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Psalm 18:22  The good is not necessarily in me, it is in his desire to join forces and his humility in accepting that two minds and hearts are better than one.

It made me chuckle deeply to the core of my being because it not only confirmed that it was already good, it confirmed that by merely finding me as worthy of marriage my husband had already confirmed that I am indeed good!  Okay… here I can say AMEN!  Tongue in cheek a little to all the mightier than though religious people who think their actions are superiors to others while in essence they are doing the devils work in tempting a wife to doubt her husband’s worth, especially by the definition of man made religions.  Oh for shame!  I don’t need to PRAY him into sainthood, that would be me preying on him.  He is already good, he has already found favor!

So, to bring him favor will at times mean, doing those odd little things that remind him how much I love him.  Yes, mine loves it when I find nice stout beer at the liquor store and bring it home and crack a bottle open just after supper after it has been chilled and join him on the patio to discuss NOTHING!  Of course, it is an especially treasured treat as our ageing diet has required a severe adjustment that has brought into control if not completely cured the high cholesterol and Type 2 diabetes that haunted him for decades.  And Yes, stout beer is an allowed component of said diet given the awesome antioxidants found within.  To that even he says AMEN! Funny, so simple, such favor!